Note: This is a letter for a girl really precious to me, but unfortunately I wasn’t able to meet her expectations and even if things felt really good, the reality was quite different. I do love her and wish her the best, but obviously being offered friendship when you want love is one of the hardest things to accept. Life has showed me that it’s better to end something right away before it becomes a bunch of lies you tell yourself. Don’t want to make excuses but I also want to be true to my heart and feelings.
Simple man, complicated mind. Can’t remember when I started to overthink and go beyond the normal amount of thought for any given thing, I have become simple by the single fact of being practical and literal. Intelligence is not something that makes you happier, thinking is not something that helps you all the time, making sense of emotion is stupid and shouldn’t be done, feeling should be done with the heart and not the brain. I used to “convince myself” of being in love or liking someone: she is pretty, she likes me, she is kind of attractive, I can kiss her, she is kind of hot, maybe I should be with her, I think I like her, she is nice and wants me, maybe I should too, I’m good with words I can be romantic and make her love me, I think I love her, I think I really feel it. Why would I not feel that bad if I just left? Why I don’t care for her opinion? Why do I feel annoyed? Why do I have to force myself? Can’t I just be happy? I think I’m a bad lover. I have matured and came to the understanding that life is easier when you are not thinking too much and feeling more, feeling the hot coffee you can drink because you have a steady job and enough money to buy it. Being grateful is another one. Life has showed me that you can’t solve every problem and that not everything is a problem that needs to be solved, people are not machines and can be very different from one another. I digress, the purpose of this is for you to understand me, to have a better picture of what goes inside my mind and to please note that the example given is absolutely in no type or form, the case with you. You came into my life a day I was tired and something inside me wanted to party, I had a headache all day up until we went to the club. I thought multiple times, “I want to hang out with her, whatever it takes” and so I did, ignored my pain and tiredness. I wanted to have fun, maybe the alcohol made me a little horny, and you were the “only option at the moment”, but dancing with you was when I felt a spark a tiny connection and felt attracted to you, I wanted to keep dancing and getting closer. The night ended, and my opportunities were slim, couldn’t be too upfront in front of your friend, so I just kept it in and walked back. Then a smoke on the balcony and a sudden urge to kiss a girl I just met but that I knew she was going to kiss me back, then my mind was blank and my heart full, a sudden and unexplained feeling of belonging or craving to have more, then I did, I was there with a wonderful woman and craving her. The few words it took to go from kiss to “my girl” are still something I can’t believe I said, I was not thinking at all, I just needed you and wanted to do whatever was necessary to have you. So I just went ahead and did what was needed, then the rest you know perfectly, we danced again, my heart softly pushed me into your life and I just didn’t need to think about something that felt so right and so good. Later I just continued to feel more and more good about you, I was overthinking how to be with you, how good you were, how could you and me have so many things in common and be so compatible, how can it be real and why am I not thinking about “convincing myself”. I just want to say that you have made me feel like no one ever has, you made me fall for you. Definitivamente el inglés no es la mejor manera de explicarte todo lo que siento, pero sé que aún es difícil para ti entender al 100% el español. Pero darle sentido a mis sentimientos es algo que me gustaría compartir contigo por qué tú eres la mujer que, indiscutiblemente, me ha enamorado con el simple hecho de ser ella misma. Por mucho tiempo eh intentado convencerme de que me gusta todo de una persona, que no tengo problemas con su personalidad o con lo que hacen, pero lamentablemente es solo una manera de ignorar defectos o cosas que no me gustan, como si para amar a alguien tuviera que gustarme todo, incluso lo malo. Considero que si hay un poco de eso, pero tú me has demostrado que si existe una mujer inteligente que me puede entender y que no tengo la necesidad de explicarle cómo todo lo que hace o no hace me afecta, debido a que mi amor es intenso y mis sentimientos son auténticos, y cuando no son correspondidos con la misma autenticidad, van desapareciendo poco a poco. No quiero decir que nunca amé, pero si quiero decir que cuando amé, lo pensé más de lo que lo sentí, me obligue a sentir un amor grande y que si lo dejaba de pensar iba a desaparecer. Si algo quiero que entiendas y tengas conocimiento de ello, es que: eres la única mujer de la cual me he enamorado por culpa de ella, tú me enamoraste, tus acciones y palabras llenaron mi corazón y lo hicieron tuyo, yo solo me deje llevar y estoy muy feliz de hacerlo. Diariamente pienso en como estar contigo y que hacer para poder lograr vivir juntos y compartirlo todo. Hay un sentimiento que me gustaría que entendieras: quiero compartir mis gustos contigo, quiero explicarte detalladamente todo lo que me gusta y por qué me gusta, quiero llenarte de información de todo lo que encuentro fascinante y de todo lo que me apasiona, quiero platicarte de mis pensamientos más íntimos, de mis ideas. Quiero compartirlo todo y se que estarías feliz de hacerlo, por qué yo quiero que tú compartas todo conmigo y estoy feliz de hacerlo. Sin alargar más esto, mi amor, mi cielo, mi vida, mi mujer, mi niña bonita, te amo demasiado y profundamente, te amo como a nadie, te amo por qué me has dado razones de sobra para hacerlo, te amo por qué no tengo que pensarlo, te amo por qué lo mereces, te amo por qué si y te amo por qué eres la mujer más extraordinaria que he conocido y la novia más bella y cariñosa que quisiera tener.
Yours truly and for any amount of time, Your man, Oscar